Becoming Parents

2010-02-28T02:27:00.001-08:00

START HERE

ABOUT BECOMING PARENTS"

NEW AND EXPECTING PARENTS

BECOMING PARENTS - STAYING PARTNERS,material designed to help couples prepare for and cope with the transition to parenthood, from the course that inspired this blog.

STRENGTHENING YOUR MARRIAGE PRE-BABY

On becoming a MOM

Breastfeeding

Men on becoming-DADS

WHAT AM I UP TO NOW

Scroll down for USEFUL LINKS a host of helpful information for parents on the web.

WHAT'S NEW

This is a non-commercial site.
Information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
It is simply a sharing of thoughts, ideas and suggestions.

The site is a work in progress.
Please add comments, experiences,suggestions and resources.

New resources and more of the course material is gradually being added. Please call again!

Wishing you well on the journey!

What Am I up to Now

2009-09-17T11:29:00.001-07:00

2011
Well our application for international acreditation of our Multidimensional Treatment Foster Care Programme is handed in and we await the outcome with baited breath. Meanwhile never a dull moment at work.

Matthew is nearly 8 and a complete delight. A lot of what we are teaching him is the very stuff we find we need to teach the 12 to 16 year olds on our programme, how to ask politely, how to take care of your stuff, keep yourself clean, make and keep friends, tidy up your room.

One would think that with the passing of time longing for home will grow less, but oddly for both Richard and I, it grows more.

I think we're a little bruised and shaken. Rich has weathered a redundancy, my job has been well - pretty much 24/7, and I think the two big shakes in Christchurch shook us up too.

Who knows what the next chapter may hold?

Richard's Microlite arrives in 8 days. He's counting.

2009
After much soul searching we have decided to cross the Pacific Ocean and explore life in "the land of the long white cloud", Aotearoa New Zealand.

I'd hardly touched ground when I was inextricably drawn to a job implimenting a best practice Multidimesional Foster Care Treatment for young people with conduct disorder (see www.mtfc.com for more details). This has left never a dull moment, and sometimes a great longing for a dull moment. It has brought me into a rushing torent of new information about the culture, in every sense of the word, of the various people's who've found their way to these shores, the social welfare, youth justice and education systems and psychology as it is practiced here, and a particularly kwirkiness that is New Zealand (for more on this google The Flying Concords).

While it's all washed over me at times, I've mostly managed to swim. The work is intensely demanding and at moments hugely rewarding. Parenting has remained close to my heart, as I approach it from the other end of childhood, with young people who've missed out big chunks of good enough parenting, or have proved very challenging to parent, and ten rather unique individuals who are prepared to take them on for a time, as a bridge back to family or on to independence.

Matthew, now 6 and a half has adjusted really well and loves the freedom and life near the sea.

Richard, as always, embraces all and needs more than one life to follow all his passions. He also misses his microlight, left behind in South Africa.

2008-05-24T10:00:00.001-07:00

START HERE

ABOUT BECOMING PARENTS"

NEW AND EXPECTING PARENTS

BECOMING PARENTS - STAYING PARTNERS,material designed to help couples prepare for and cope with the transition to parenthood, from the course that inspired this blog.

STRENGTHENING YOUR MARRIAGE PRE-BABY

On becoming a MOM

Breastfeeding

Men on becoming-DADS

Scroll down for USEFUL LINKS a host of helpful information for parents on the web.

WHAT'S NEW

This is a non-commercial site.
Information on this site is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
It is simply a sharing of thoughts, ideas and suggestions.

The site is a work in progress.
Please add comments, experiences,suggestions and resources.

New resources and more of the course material is gradually being added. Please call again!

Wishing you well on the journey!

2008-05-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

This site is the product of a wish to share and grow a body of ideas, resources and strategies that prove useful on the journey of parenthood and create spaces for thinking, resolving and growing.

As noted it is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice. Nor is it a substitute for simple human empathy. This latter is sometimes in short supply and sometimes our busy lives see us starved of it for lack of time.

In the end parents, new and old, probably need understanding far more than they need advice.

Still I'm a lover of books (and blogs) and all kinds of writing, it's ability to capture experience in ways that leave one feeling less alone, it's ability to provoke you to think about things from slightly off field of where you started, so that you see them anew.

Many of the resources and references for this site, and the parent courses they grew out of, were chosen because the authors' empathy and understanding of the experience of parenting came though. In many cases they've combined this with solid research.

Still what works for one can persecute another. Take what makes sense for you and set the rest asside.

More about Becoming Parents

Return to Home Page

Breastfeeding

2008-05-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

News journalist turned mom Beth Cooper has recently published her first book
The Greatest Breastfeeding Tips in the World
Available online at www.kalahari.net, Amazon, www.loot.co.za or from June 2008 at all leading book stores, including Exclusive Books and Fascination Books.

I'll be reviewing it just as soon as it gets to me.

There is so much to say on this subject and it's one that gets people passionate, as well it should. Feeding a baby is important stuff. But you don't have to tell most new mommies this. They know. At no time does this feeling feel more urgent than in those confusing early days when both mom and baby are trying to find their feet. Often very well meaning supporters believe they have the solution. There is a sense of urgency to ensure baby is getting enough and new moms can end up feeling pressurised and judged. Often it feels like what is hanging in the balance is one's adequacy as a mom. Remember you have years and years of motherhood to go. Go easy on yourself!

Aside from a very lucky few, anyone who has given birth knows that just because something comes naturally, does not necessarily mean it comes easily. The same is true of breastfeeding. But I think we're a little less well prepared for the initial difficulties. Sometimes it takes time to settle in and like with giving birth having good support is crucial.

I've had the privilege of having many mom's share their experiences with me. In the end the two most important things in feeding your baby is that your baby gets fed and that the two of you bond. We are privileged to have alternatives now for those babies who really cannot be latched, because of prematurity, birth defects and other health problems and for those moms who for their very valid personal reasons, or because of their own more severe health problems, cannot feed. That said with support most moms can manage breast feeding, but you may need some time to get it right and support. That's why a book like Beth's is helpful. So is consulting a good breastfeeding consultant. Expectant Mother's Guide, published yearly has a good listing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR OF The Greatest Breastfeeding Tips in the World

News journalist Beth Cooper swapped her notebook for nappies after giving birth to her daughter a few years ago. Now a writer and columnist for several top magazines and websites, including BBC Online, Femina, True Love, Your Baby and Living & Loving, she finds chasing deadlines and dodgy criminals a picnic next to parenting.

Former assistant news editor on The Herald newspaper, she has worked as a senior reporter, specialist writer and news editor, but considers typing a feature one-handed while bouncing baby with the other to be a career best.

A hard news journalism tutor for SA Writers College and former English teacher, Beth and her family live on the Eastern Cape coast.

A FEW WORDS FROM BETH

I became passionate about breastfeeding quite by accident. While pregnant with my daughter, I was more interested in morning sickness and maternity wear than the art of milk-making! To me, lactation was simply a biological process sandwiched between conception and motherhood. I had no idea that nursing a child was such a momentous miracle of nature.

My newborn’s first brush with the breast was a comedy of errors. Neither of us knew what we were doing – and well-meaning nurses and doctors seemed hardly more clued up than we were. Ironically, it was probably my ignorance of the whole process that cemented my success. I didn’t know at the time that breast was best – I just knew it was the natural aftermath, as it were, of giving birth. This meant I was blissfully naïve about formula feeding too; it never occurred to me to give Samara a bottle!

Modern society has made great strides in medicine, not least of all in the fields of reproductive health, pregnancy and birth. Unfortunately, this has also caused interference in some natural human practices, such as breastfeeding. For years, Western mothers were encouraged to nurse their babies on a fixed schedule and to swap to formula milks at the slightest whiff of trouble. Thanks to enlightened experts and savvy parents, these outdated policies are changing.

Being a journalist, I’m instinctively curious and as a mum, fiercely protective of my child’s well-being. When I started researching breastfeeding in-depth and discovered a wealth of information about the power of human milk, I was sold. More than two years later, I’m still nursing – and still loving it.

I’m not a lactation consultant or medical professional. I wrote this book because mums-to-be deserve a helping hand with producing the world’s most phenomenal foodstuff. In the words of playwright, author and mum of two Karen Jeynes :

“Try it. Just try it. It might seem weird to you, your friends might tell
you not to bother, but once you've got baby latched, the bond between the two
of you is unbreakable, and you feel like a wonderwoman. Sometimes you also
feel a little like a cow, but mostly - you feel like a wonderwoman”.

In the end whatever you choose, trust yourself to ulitmately, with help, time and advice, be the authority on what is best for you and your baby in your unique circumstances.

Becoming Parents-Staying Partners 5 John Gottman

2008-04-06T13:43:00.001-07:00

John Gottman has been described as “arguably the most prominent and readily understandable current researcher of what makes intimate partnering succeed or fail.” His coding system for the assessment of marital relationships, based on his work, lead to approximately 80 percent accuracy in the prediction of marital outcome over a four to nine year period. (New Therapist, 2001). In an interview available on-line, and several books he shares these ideas.

He and his colleagues observed some 1000 couples in marital action to try to identify pointers to matrimonial survival.

What you blame it on
Couples often present for therapy deeply involved in the “blame game”. Things are going wrong and each tries to convince me that it is the fault of the other. This is understandable, but not helpful.

John Gottman found a big difference between happy and distressed couples was the way in which each partner explained the behaviour of the other and then responded - that is attributional style (i.e. what they attribute each other’s behaviour to). In general happy marriages have fewer attributions, and those that occur tend to be relationship enhancing. Negative behaviour in partners tends to be explained as fleeting, situational and unstable, whereas positive behaviour is seen as stable and enduring. In other words partners “blamed” less, and where they did, gave full weight to situational factors, rather than looking for inherent faults in their partner.

For example “My partner is a good person, S/he is losing his/her temper because of stress.” The attributing partner responds according to this understanding, with a consequent positive impact on the other.

One mom, who we’ll call Jill agreed that I share her first big disappointment in their relationship. Her partner Bob had invested all his available capital in starting up a business. Bob worked long and hard, but everything he earned was going into funding start-up and running costs. It became clear he was going to have to give up the venture, lose his initial investment and take whatever employment he could find. Gill’s family had always been very cautious and quite judgemental of failure. Was Bob an idiot who’d taken wild risks and failed to do his homework and was going to mess up in everything he attempted. Or was it just possible that he was a promising entrepreneur, who was remaining motivated and positive despite endless setbacks and who simply didn’t have the back up he needed this time round? At a friend’s wedding, where the groom seemed singularly unpromising, the minister had said, “Treat your husband like a king and you’ll be a queen.” It struck a chord. Gill realised that given the shaky state of anyone’s self esteem on closing a business, her view of Bob was likely to be pivotal in how he saw himself. How one sees oneself impacts on how one presents to the world, so there’s a kind of self fulfilling feedback loop. Gill decided she’d far rather be committed to a promising entrepreneur, than an idiot. She attributed the failure to temporary external difficulties that got in the way of his success and focused on what they’d both learnt. She was able to see in him the person she admired, the feeling between them was positive and he was all the more likely to succeed next time round.
Something that struck me about the couples in longstanding happy marriages interviewed by Judith Wallerstein was the way in which each partner gave the other credit for the success of the marriage.

By contrast, in distressed marriages constant negative attributions escalate already negative interactions.

Pursuing, distancing and soothing
Gottman’s research indicated that physiological arousal and emotion also played an important role in couple relationships. Basically in distressed couples there is frequently increased demands by one partner (usually the woman) for emotional contact and increased withdrawal by the other - withdrawal largely motivated by the desire to reduce unpleasant physiological arousal. A destructive pattern emerges leading to isolation

Another way one can look at this idea from John Gottman and his team, is to say that there is a pursuer, who needs closeness, and a distancer, who fears negative emotional arousal and engulfment, and a cycle that pushes them more and more into these roles. They get involved in “The more! “ (a term I borrow from my colleague Ruth Steiner). The more the pursuer tries to connect in a state of upset (negative emotional arousal), the more the distancer withdraws, the worse the pursuer feels, the more he/she tries, angrily or in distress, to engage, the more the distancer experiences negative emotional arousal and withdraws, the more isolated the pursuer feels and so on.

By contrast happy couples set up a pattern of interactions, which generates positive feelings. Mundane everyday interactions are characterised by “turning towards”

For example The more he helps out with the dishes, the more she feels supported and the more she tells him he’s great for washing them, the more he wants to wash them, and the more he does, the more she thinks he’s great and wants to spend time chatting to him while he does them, and the more he enjoys doing it - you get the picture! The finding that the generation and maintenance of positive or negative affect in couple relationship was critical, has lead Gottman to call his the “bank account model of marriage”.

Meeting needs to creat a positive emotional climateThe book “His needs. Her needs” uses this model, while there are a number of problems with this book (such as stereotyping), it does capture simply the importance of needs, and meeting of needs in relationships. Harville Hendricks of Imago therapy fame captures this same idea, in his Re-romanticising exercise, designed to help couples create a positive emotional climate, i.e. generate a positive emotional bank balance. What he has couples do is draw up lists of simple “do-able” things their partner does, used to do, or could do, that make them feel loved. He then has them swap lists and undertake to do a certain number of things on the list for eachother each week. Importantly they should not “keep score”, but rather focus on the giving.

Fighting and Repair
Also crucial was the ability to have a recovery conversation after a fight. We should not avoid fighting, but rather develop the art of repair and recovery after a fight. This is the focus of Gottman’s therapy. The nature of these ”repair attempts” is critical. Attempts by couples to resolve difficulties have both a verbal and non-verbal component, with the non-verbal being most powerful. In distressed couples repair attempts have a predominantly negative emotional tone, no matter how positive the verbal content. In happy couples partners match the content to the tone. Partners are more able to process the content of these congruent messages. In addition happy couples have a number of strategies for ending negative interactions [for example humour], while distressed couples stay locked in conflict [or exit in destructive ways, like stonewalling (sulking)].

In repair attempts happy couples use a number of key strategies,
• “soothing behaviours” that reduce arousal and defensiveness,
• “respectful influence” where partners use positive feeling to de-escalate conflict while still attempting to gently and respectfully influence their partner, and
• “editing” the ability to break cycles of negative feeling.

Gottman identified 4 patterns of behaviour which he terms the horsemen of the apocalypse” prevalent in difficult relationships:
• criticism of the partner (most common in women),
• defensiveness,
• contemptuous attitude and
• stonewalling or silence (most common amongst men).

In contrast to are
• affection,
• validation,
• empathy and
• humour.
Fondness and admiration are also important antidotes to criticism and contempt. They sooth the other person and decrease withdrawal, putting the emotional bank account in good stead. Soothing behaviours were found to be highly predictive of long-term outcome of couple relationships.

Communication:
You may have heard of active listening and good communication skills. Often couples come to therapy to “learn to communicate better”

Active listening encourages us to use I messages rather than You messages
“I am getting frustrated with all the mess in the house” is more respectful, makes everyone take responsibility for their own feelings and is less likely to rouse defensiveness than “You’re a messy pig”.

Active listening also involves mirroring or repeating back to the other person what they’ve said. In particular one should reflect back the feeling you are picking up, while being tentative and respectful. You are basically checking out that you have understood correctly, and at the same time letting the person know you understand. It’s a way of conveying empathy, and it works well in many kinds of interactions (including those with our children). Most people respond well to being understood.

For example:“I’ve had the worst day ever. The car broke down. The repair man they sent was rude. He took two hours to repair the car and I missed that important meeting. It’s like I can’t rely on anyone. I don’t know how I keep going”
“Sounds like you had a really bad day and it’s left you feeling angry that you have to cope alone. You feel like giving up.”
“Well maybe not that bad, but boy am I glad to be home”.

These techniques are often taught as communications skills to aid marriages. In fact Gottman himself believed they were very important, but later realised couples just weren’t doing this. Gottman finds even when couples do do them, they are not enough.

In the context of a friendship or a therapy relationship simply reflecting your understanding is what’s expected, it is enough. In a marriage it’s not that simple.

Firstly it’s difficult to reflect when you’re the subject of the tirade. Even when you can do it, in a couple relationship real empathy means showing you understand by doing something about it, or at least engaging in a process of talking about it and why you can’t do anything”.

Big Issues:
When they followed couples up after a four year period to talk about the major issue in their marriage, Gottman and his colleagues found that 69% of the time they had the same problems and were talking about them in exactly the same way with consequent marital instability. But 31% had solved the problems. He calls the solvers “masters” in marriage and looked at how they did it. What they discovered was a pattern of really being gentle in the way they approached solvable problems – “a softened start up, particularly guys accepting influence from women, but … it was a balance. They both were doing it.” He found that couples tended to soften the way they presented issues and give appreciations while disagreeing. They could also hear some feedback, especially if the partner was using humour. Most of us have absorbed the idea that communication is important in a marriage, and that we should express our feelings. But how we do so is important. We cannot blast our partner with criticism and expect it to be ok.

In terms of unsolvable or perpetual problems, they found two kinds of couples. They found a lot who had adapted to their problems, not that they liked it, but they were coping and were able to establish a dialogue with one another about it. They used a sense of humour and managed to be affectionate even while disagreeing, they soothed one another and de-escalated the conflict.

In fact the research of John Gottman and his colleagues indicated that happy couples allow room for each partner’s view of the world.

On the negative side, were those grid-locked in the problem. There was no compromising.

Compromising:Compromise is essential in any relationship. I’ve had a number of dynamic professionals tell me that a marriage should be “win win”. They don’t want to compromise. Of course “win-win” is wonderful, but I think to believe that sometimes we do need to give up on some things, for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of our partner, and, often, once a baby arrives, for the sake of the child or children. We need to balance generosity and the joy of giving on the one hand with the resentment that can come when we give too much.

Gottman draws on the work of couple therapist Dan Wile on compromise. It seems to be supported by Gottman’s research. He suggests that sometimes people compromise too soon. Basically they take a stand that is not what they really want, it is already a compromise. In other words they compromise without talking first, even when they feel strongly about something. By the time they do talk each of them has already compromised once, though their partner doesn’t know about it. Nor do they know their partner has already compromised. They both come across as more stubborn then they actually are, feeling hurt that their generosity is not appreciated, when really it is simply not visible.

Honour your dreams:
Gottman feels that while compromise is necessary, it can become a problem if people are giving up “their ideals, the romance and passion of their selves. They’re giving up something really essential”. He feels that’s the secret to ending the gridlock on perpetual problems - is to realise that there’s a reason why we can’t compromise sometimes. A person may be holding on to an ideal that is essential to who they are as a person. He adds that

“if you can make the marriage safe enough, you can take those fists and really open them up, and there’s a dream inside of each fist, there’s a life dream. When people see what the dream is and what the narrative is behind it, the history of this life dream, usually both people want to honour their partner’s dream”.

Honouring may mean supporting it, understanding it, financially supporting it, or talking about it.

Harville Hendriks points out how we start romantic love in idealisation, the fantasy that our partner will love us in a way we’ve never been loved before and meet our deepest needs. This has it’s roots in our own infancy, and may lead us to idealise our partners in ways that obscure who they really are, as well as lead us to avoid taking responsibility for our own happiness. However neither Harville Hendricks and his Imago approach, nor Judith Wallerstein or John Gottman’s research suggest we should give up our ideals and lower our standards.

Harville Hendricks encourages couples to commit to a life long journey of understanding one another and their partner so that they can work toward healing both their childhood hurts.

Gottman points out that research had found that people who really want to be treated well and want romance and passion get that, and people who have low standards get that.

Judith Wallerstein was amazed at her discovery of marriages that remained romantic and passionate over decades.

Gottman says

“It’s better really to ask for what you want in a relationship and try to be treated the way you want to be treated”.

Copywrite Belinda Farre (2007)

References:
New therapist May/June 2001
Carrere (2000) Journal of Family Psychology
Gottman, J.M. (1996). What predicts divorce: the measures. Erlbaum.
Wallerstein, J.S. and Blakeslee, D. (1996)The Good Marriage

Becoming Parents-Staying Partners 4 The Good Marriage

2008-04-06T13:37:00.000-07:00

Many couples today are trying to create something they have actually never seen up close – a good marriage or partnership. Some even ask “Do they exist?” This lead Judith Wallerstein, famous for research on the effects of divorce, to set about finding and interviewing in great depth, both separately and together, 50 couples who had all been married for between 10 and 40 years, had had children and in which both partners described the marriage as happy. Her findings published as "The Good Marriage" seem to have relevance for most middle class couples. She identified four kinds of marriages and nine tasks.

While some tasks are phase-of-life bound, most continue throughout the marriage. These tasks may help you in thinking about where you are on your journey and what it is you’re trying to do together. The first three
• Separating from the family of Origin
• Building togetherness and creating autonomy (i.e. balancing separateness and togetherness) and
• Becoming parents
are especially relevant as you begin your family.

The beauty of the book is that she doesn’t tell you how to do it. She does share how some remarkable, and yet ordinary, people have done it. Her comments integrate in ordinary English a lot of the insights of the theory around couple work as well and some of the stories are inspiring.

I’d encourage couple to read her book, especially at this point the chapter on parenting.

Click to Continue.

Becoming Parents-Staying Partners 3 Couple work

2008-04-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

Another inspiration for Becoming Parents - Staying Partners was the way in which things I learnt from doing couple counselling helped us in strengthening our relationship prior to the birth of our son. I wanted to share these ideas.

This part of the programme focuses on some interesting research that has been done on what exactly it is that happy couples do, particularly the work of Judith Wallerstein and that of John Gottman, especially his interview published on psychotherapy.net.

BPSP posts 4 and 5 summarise what I’ve taken from the material. I’d encourage you, if you can find time, to look at the original material (click on author’s names above for links) and to find other books that inspire you.

Also see Marriage Moments, a free online course for strengthening your marriage prior to the birth of a baby, a similar idea to BPSP, and also resources listed under “Resource Couples” in the Useful Links section below.

Taking a new perspective
One maverick marital therapist advocated that, as their first homework task, warring couples buy a children’s picture book, get in the bath together, and read it, stopping after each page to discuss how it symbolised their relationship. Call it a radical way to get couples to take a new perspective. He did have some unhappy customers, but this didn’t worry him. For the first time in ages they’d be united in something, even if it was their rage with him!

Often we get stuck as couples because we become (hopefully temporarily) stuck in opposing views. One reason couple therapy seems to help is that the presence of a third person, listening to both partners, trying to see both points of view, forces them to do the same.

If things feel safe enough working through a book or programme together can give a similar fresh perspective. Every couple is unique and I don’t think we can achieve success by following a recipe in even the best self-help book. But I do think that sharing a book or an idea that means something to one or both of you, and most importantly talking about it, can be very helpful. The Good Marriage has certainly been that for us. Click to continue.

Becoming Parents-Staying Partners 2 Ghosts & Grannies

2008-03-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

In their research the Cowan's found that one of the big adjustments for many new parents was facing changes in relationships with their own parents. They describe this as happening in many ways. For some sadness if one or more parents have died. A new closeness often develops between existing generations, but this can be a mixed blessing. One partner may want their parents around; the other may want a cosy threesome without in-laws. Most grandparents visit, with the intention of being helpful, but the Cowan's found new parents are often startled to find that their parents seem to require looking after too.

“Old knots in the family ties can suddenly reappear”.

One can think of one’s own family of origin issues coming back in two ways. In shorthand “ghosts and grannies”.

Ghosts
Basically we all base new relationships in some way on our experiences in earlier ones - our ghosts from the past, friendly and unfriendly.

Becoming a parent will naturally bring to mind our own experience of those who raised us, or failed to raise us - however we may have felt about them. This remembering of our own childhood helps us draw on the parenting we received as a model. We learn how to parent by being parented.

It is normal to forget most of what occurs before about age 5. However as we try to understand our baby, we remember aspects of our early, and later, childhood we’d long forgotten or even totally repressed. This remembering may take the form of conscious memories, even vivid visual memories, or the feelings may come into play in a less conscious way. This can be very emotionally intense. In a positive way remembering what it was like to be a child, helps us identify with our children and understand how they must feel. But it can leave us feeling vulnerable.

Sometimes there can also be a bit of a mix up or reversal. One intense relationship (with the baby) can easily bring to mind past ones (usually with our own parents or caregivers). Feelings that belong in the past can end up being “projected” onto the baby, making it harder for us to see them for the little person they are. For example a mother may experience her little boy’s lively and insistent crying for a feed, as cruel and critical shouting (like that she experienced from her own father/mother). While this connection remains unconscious she may feel quite persecuted by the baby. However if she can make the connection and/or simply see again that he is just a hungry baby, this will help them both.

In sum, however good one’s early childhood may have been, there will be intense emotion of some kind, and less happy memories. Becoming a parent evokes these. There is a whole lot of emotional processing that has to happen, more so for some than others - depending on the nature of your early experiences and how much processing you have already done.

It is safe to say that you will certainly think again about the kind of mothering or fathering you received (good and less good) and the kind of mother or father you want to be (your ideal). You will also have to deal with the kind of parent you find yourself being (again good and less good) and how this measures up to your ideal.

New parents who expect a lot of themselves often have a hard time. Parenting is difficult and faultless performances don’t exist. Perfect parenting is not good for children anyway. What we’re aiming at is “good enough” parenting, where we and our child learn to cope with manageable failures.

If you are worried about things from your own growing up it is important to take courage in some important research findings. In 1991 Fonagy et al (1991) reported that parents differed in their ability to parent well, dependent not on whether they had happy early childhood relationships or not, but on the extent to which they had processed their feelings and memories. People who had not processed their feelings tended to describe their childhood relationships as happy, but could not remember them well, or were still preoccupied, angry and not coherent in talking out the past and present relationships with parents. Those who had processed their early relationships with parents and caregivers gave more coherent accounts. They found that the crucial factor in enabling parents to parent appropriately is the capacity to reflect on their own early experience, regardless of how difficult it was, and find meaning so as to move on with a measure of resolution and forgiveness.

In 1992 Cohn et al repeated this finding and found that furthermore, where fathers either had happy childhoods or had managed to process less happy ones, this enabled their partners to mother effectively, even if their own childhood had not been happy or worked through. The Cowan’s conclude that it seems that “a good marriage can provide an opportunity for a parent who is still negatively affected by his or her early experiences to develop a new and more positive state of mind about intimate relationships – a more optimistic outlook and set of expectations, that spills over positively into the parent-child relationship”.

Grannies (and grandpas)
While you’re dealing with the “ghosts in the nursery”, you are also likely to be dealing with the real life grannies and grandpas who are themselves taking on a new role (often long wished for) in relation to this little person. This too can be a very mixed experience.

Good grandparents are a blessing to children and their parents. For some the support that one's parents or in-laws offer in raising one's child becomes a source of deeper connection and gratitude.

It is a fact of modern living that increased mobility, and work related migrancy means families are often geographically far apart and sometimes grandparents are occasional house guests, rather than a regular support. For some delaying child rearing (by this and the previous generation) means that current grandparents are often much older than they were several generations ago. Some new parents may find themselves very much a "sandwich generation" raising young children with less help from grandparents, who also, being older, are often in need of care and practical assistance themselves. Of course there are times when able and geographically close grandparents are not as involved as one would like.

On the other hand some are too involved.

A balance has to be worked out.

Fortunately, sometimes, people learn from experience. It can often be that your parent is able to offer your child warmth and love, tempered by all the lessons they learnt while practicing on you. If you have not quite made peace with the kind of parenting you received, this can feel a little bitter sweet.

In the end it is best for your child if you find a way to allow them the best possible relationship they can have with their grandparents.

Sometimes increased contact brought about by the arrival of a grandchild is an opportunity to negotiate a better adult relationship with your own parent/s.

For a refreshing take on dealing with one’s own parents, and the whole question of parenthood read Frank Pittman’s article on how to be a grown up, even around your own parents.

Continue with BPSP

Becoming Parents-Staying Partners: 1 Intro

2008-03-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

Becoming Parents Staying Partners is a body of thoughts and exercises for couples making the transition to parenthood. Originally a series of four workshops, the programme now runs as shorter talks and a more indepth working through of the programme with individual couples. By puplishing the material used here it is hoped it can be of use to more new parents.

A workshop is ideally a place where you can shop for what works for you, and do some work on (in this case) your relationship and yourself as person and parent. I hope you will take what supports and helps you and leave the rest asside. Feedback and comments are always welcome.

About holding babies

Due to it’s large head size, compared to most mamals, the human infant even at full term, is technically born prematurely. It cannot walk or even sit, nor can it hold on to it’s parent. It is entirely dependent on adult care. There is a lot of physical caring required. Yet most couples are far more prepared for the birth and early physical childcare than they are for the emotional impact of a baby.

Famous paediatrician and child psychotherapist Donald Winnicott pointed out the enormous task that mothers undertake in the early emotional care of a baby. He went so far as to say that there is no baby without a mother. Some women in fact do not experience the baby as separate from them in this early time and there is reason to believe that the baby also experiences a kind of merger. Recent work indicates that their is a neurological attunement that is happening between mother and baby’s right brains. The right brain being involved in non verbal and emotional aspects of thinking and communication. Baby care is an emotional task.

This seems to be borne out by studies that show how babies fail to thrive, and may even die, despite being well cared for physically, if there is not at least one reasonably consistent caregiver to whom they can attach emotionally.

Winnicott used the term “holding” to describe what the mother does. It’s a task that’s hugely absorbing initially, almost to the exclusion of all else. He talked about it as a kind of necessary madness he called “primary maternal preoccupation”. This begins in the pregnancy as the mother becomes more absorbed by the changes happening in her body.

Some cultures have special traditions to accommodate this period. Sometimes a woman’s own mother or a female relative will move in for a period to help. In some African traditions the mother is expected to do little other than remain in bed and feed the infant in the first month with family members cooking and taking care of the household, and ensuring the new mother is well fed herself. An older relative of ours, now 80, describes staying on in the nursing home for up to a month following the birth. In some Scandanavian countries parents are allowed long periods of maternity leave, and, wonderfully, compulsory paternity leave!

Winnicott felt that because of the physical attunement that happens during pregnancy the biological mother was the person most suited to the primary care of a baby. Of course this role can and sometimes has to be taken over by someone else, who need not be the biological mother, or even a woman. Essentially they “become” the mother to that infant. So I use the term “mother” with this understanding.

Good mothering does not mean that we need to care for the baby perfectly. In fact such a goal would in itself be damaging to both mother and baby. Rather the mother needs to make a “good enough” fit with the baby, and gradually decrease her vigilance and atunement as the baby grows. Slowly she allows reality to impinge on the baby, but in manageable doses. When the baby gets distressed, and all babies do, the mother tries to make some sense of that distress and respond helpfully, and so the baby’s distress is lessened. Sometimes the hardest part of this job is just coping with “not knowing” what is the matter and with all the mixed feelings that come up (desperate love for the baby, exasperation when it won’t stop crying, fear and worry about it),

He pointed out that mothers do not need to be taught how to do this. I am often humbled by the insightful way in which those extraordinary individuals known as “ordinary” mothers describe this process.

Depending on their own make up and experience mothers in this early stage find themselves struggling with the constant dependency of the new baby, feeling invaded, or alternatively struggling to separate and give up what has felt like a part of themselves - sometimes new mothers struggle with both lots of feelings. This is normal.

Mothers do need to feel supported and “held” themselves. This kind of holding might be provided by their own mother, or an older woman, by a good doctor or health care worker and by their partner - or ideally a combination of these. In fact Winnicott advocated strongly that everyone should lobby to protect mothers from anything that got between them and their babies, so that this relationship is given the best chance.

Not to say the job of supporting a mother is easy. The new mother will have a host of feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, sometimes very intense feelings. She needs help, but she also doesn’t need anyone to take over. Ideally she needs people who give practical support and have faith in her ability to become a good mother to her baby, even while she is full of uncertainty in starting this enormous task.

Winnicott saw the father or partner’s most important job in the very early days as the protection of the mother and child relationship. It can be said that ideally the father holds the mother-baby pair in the same way in which the mother holds the baby.

If you are parenting alone, try to find this support – this holding - where you can and if you cannot, be kind to yourself as you shoulder this important task.

Where parents remain together, the couple relationship serves a vital holding function for a mother initially. Later a good couple relationship supports both partners in their role as parents. The couple relationship also sets the tone for the new family. Research suggests that a good couple relationship goes a long way to enhance children’s adaptation. The Becoming Parents Staying Partners programme looks at that relationship, how to support it, and so free both partners to parent better and provide a happy climate for your children.

INSPIRATIONS FROM “BECOMING PARENTS: WHAT HAS TO CHANGE”
Part of the inspiration for the workshops came from the work of English psychotherapist couple Carolyn and Philip Cowan. They remembered how when their children were barely out of nappies, “we realised we were losing touch with our relationship as a couple. Although we entered parenthood enthusiastically we were totally unprepared for the stress we began to experience in our marriage. … As we tried to make sense of what had happened to us and to the relationships we were hearing about from friends , colleagues and families seeking therapy, we began to think of the period in which partners become parents as a particularly vulnerable time for the [relationship].” This relationship in turn impacts on parents’ earliest relationships with the child and in turn the child’s development.

As early as 1957 sociologists interviewing 57 new parent couples concluded that the transition constituted a crisis for a marriage and studies over subsequent decades replicate this. Yet we tend to picture the arrival of a first child as a time of unfettered growth and fulfilment.

In the 1980’s the Cowan’s (by then grandparents) followed a number of couples from three months prior to due date until the babies were 18 months old. They have subsequently done further work supporting and extending their findings. Their talk on Establishing Positive and Long Lasting Couple Relationships is easy reading and includes a summary of their findings about new parents.

These describe so well what I see working with new parents and what we ourselves experienced that I use them in the workshop to discuss this transition.

You may want to use the material as a springboard to talk to each other about these things. Reading to eachother and then chatting is a great way to do this. But find what works for you. If your partner is not a reader, share what you're reading about. Try to see your goal as trying to find out more about your partner’s thoughts, expectations and feelings and explaining yours to them. ]

Click to continue with Becoming Parents - Staying Partners

Strengthening your Relationship Pre-baby

2008-03-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons Becoming Parents-Staying Partners was started was the startling number of couples divorcing shortly after having children.

Sound research shows that couple relationships change following the birth of a baby. Because couples are not prepared for these normal, but challenging changes, they often feel that the upheaval means their relationship or their partner is "not ok".

There are definitely times when divorce is the only option for couples, especially where there are issues of abuse. Sometimes one partner opts to leave and the other is left with little choice. Many single parents are doing a phenomenal job. For them the challenge is ensuring that they have enough support as they cope with the demands.

However sometimes it seemed to me couples confused the upheaval of adjusting to parenting with irreconcilable differences in their marriage - a feeling echoed by other couple therapists.

Babies do not break up good couple relationships, but parenthood is a big adjustment and can strain the couple. It is equally true that a baby will seldom "fix" a relationship in trouble. However there is a lot that you as a couple can do. When you share a child the motivation to make things work is and should be much greater.

Either way if you are better prepared for the changes that baby might bring, you are in a better position to cope. Research shows that most couples experience more conflict and less satisfaction following the birth of a child. Yet many couples wrongly assume "it's only us". It is helpful to think of the times following the birth of your first child and while your children are under two as one where your relationship needs special care. Tolerance is needed from both sides, as you adjust to your roles as parents and cope with the emotional and practical demands of small children. (See post "On Ghosts and Grannies")

The couple relationship ultimately sets the tone for the new family. A good relationship between the couple supports each of you in parenting and also gives your children an experience of a relationship that works. Last but not least this relationship will hopefully outlast the child rearing years, and day by day impacts each of you as individuals. Work in this area is never wasted.

If you are still expecting this is the time to really work on your bond. No matter how busy you are, it's hard to conceptualise how much less time you have once baby comes. That is part of the challenge.

The material published on this blog under

"Becoming Parents Staying Partners"

is taken from couple workshops and work with individual couples.

Marriage Moments is a free online programme with "lessons" and exercises to strengthen your relationship prior to the birth of your baby. It draws on some of the same research as the original "Becoming Parents" programme.

The site is beautifully set out, and includes video inserts.

Input is structured around the virtues of
friendship,
generosity,
fairness and
loyalty

There is also a section on the arrival of the baby and for couples who's relationship is in trouble and a good resource list.

Worth reading pre or post baby even if you don't do all the exercises.

To access the programme go to
"Resource Couples: Marriage Moments"
in the USEFUL LINKS section at the bottom of the page.

For those who like to read also take a look at the articles by Phillip and Carolyn Cowan, who have done extensive research in this area (listed under Articles in the USEFUL LINKS below) and Resoure Couples links.

Men on Becoming Fathers

2008-03-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

Here is what some "ordinary" dads had to say. Please add your own experiences as comments

What surprised you most about becoming a father?
Reality. The realisation that you’re not alone, not just one anymore. It’s not “responsibility” and it didn’t make me feel worse about the world. It might have if I was younger. It’s that “You’re not in this for yourself anymore”. (son age 18 months)

Revisiting of my childhood. Someone told me it would happen before the birth, but I didn’t believe them. It’s not just remembering. You do something or the kid does something and you’re taken back, to times before you were three. You’ll feel the same feelings all over again. The only way you can avoid it is not to be involved with your kid – and I’d never want that. (son age 2)

How great being a dad is, did not realise I would love him so much or that
I would think he was so great. Also how much time they take up. (son age 3 months)

What do you wish you'd been told before you became a parent?
Trust your partner, yourself and your instincts. Generally you will know
better than anyone else or any book what is bugging your baby even though
books obviously give a repository of info to draw on. (son age 3 months)

Oh dear! Quite a difficult one for me to answer, because I knew about all the nappy changing and the screaming and the feeding and the waking up at night from living with my nephews as kids. For me I wish I’d known about the “no sex” from the start of pregnancy till after the breastfeeding. I may have made the most of it before! (son age 18 months)

Any advice to give?
Be prepared early in case baby is 3 weeks early !
Know that babies are time suckers so have a plan, set up schedules and
always talk. We agreed that when discussing our son nothing was taboo
and nothing was personal, he was more important than "stepping on someone’s
toes" (son age 3 months)

Love your kids and don’t expect anything from them. Remember why you got married. Try to keep that at the front of your mind all the time and try to talk to your wife about her needs and your needs and the kid’s needs and how you can bring it all together. Remember your dreams. They may be on hold for a while, but it doesn’t mean they must die. Life will return to normality at some stage, albeit with an additional player
(son age 2)

On Becoming a Mother

2008-03-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

Here are some things "ordinary" moms said about motherhood.

What surprised you most about becoming a mother?

About three months pregnant, still nauseous, cooking dinner for my in-laws, I suddenly realised that this was really for keeps now. There was no getting out of this relationship. It wasn’t that I was unhappy, quite the opposite, in fact I’d never really considered getting out. It was just that realisation of permanence, of having to make it for the long haul. At about 7 months, noticing how I’d aged in the mirror, I realised I’d soon be mother to a son. I had such a clear picture in my mind’s eye of say 18 years on and seeing him in the mirror standing there behind me, taller than me. I realised I was never going to be alone in the world again – it was a good and a bad feeling all at once. (Son age 2 years)

When my first child was born I remember feeling particularly blessed, and this
feeling was repeated with the births of both the others. I generally coped well with the day to day care of my new baby as I had much practice from younger siblings. I recall some other unexpected feelings that were particular to the arrival of my first, these being: - a new kind of exhaustion - hands full all the time; not able to do the things I needed/wanted to do as and when I wished - unsure of how to discipline him; so many theories, so much contradiction! - resentfulness at times toward my husband; his life continued pretty much the same for him whilst mine became a juggling act (and remains so, but I am now a better juggler) - great anxiety when my baby was ill (three boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

I was totally surprised by how much other people seemed to genuinely care about my baby. A kind of warm attention and concern I’d never anticipated, that spilled over to me. He forced me to realise my connection to people around me in a way I hadn’t before. (son 22 months)

The immediate emotional connection. I didn't expect to become 'maternal' - it doesn't last much beyond the helpless baby stage, and doesn't necessarily extend to children other than your own, but that hormonal motherly response is quite a rush. It means you get very anxious and protective and often tearful and overwhelmed and it can put strain on partnerships because the 'mother lion' feeling often excludes dads.
Luckily my partner was studying at the time so he was happy to be excluded a bit
and then he was extremely patient about stepping in to save me from myself
when he needed to. (daughter 9years)

I was most surprised by the overwhelming feeling of protectiveness I felt towards my babies. I was so nervous when we first drove them home from the hospital! I couldn't bear to watch the news for ages! I kept having all kinds of horrible thoughts of terrible things that might happen to them. It has definitely improved with time, although that fundamental protectiveness is still there.
I was also surprised by the effect having children can have on your relationship with your partner. The tiredness, in particular wreaks havoc with "together time"
(twins age 2)

Breastfeeding - how hard it was at first and how much it’s about survival. For the baby feeding is life and death and when you can’t get it right together there is all the intensity of that. A kind of struggle – nothing like the fluffy white cloud picture I imagined. Thanks to the midwife who eventually helped us get it right! (Son age 18 months)

How hard it is to breastfeed. I expected some lovely spiritual experience and got “ow!” Once we eventually got it completely right after about 10 weeks, things were better but it caused many tears. (daughter 9 years)

Identity confusion! In my case, I did not expect to become a mother and I suddenly had to come to terms with a whole new role, a new perspective on the world, and new career goals. I still don't think I have recovered my equilibrium completely. The good thing is that you get a more realistic perspective. My partner and I know that we would probably end up as a batty old couple if it wasn't for our kid making us realise what is important and what is just not. The bad thing as a working woman is that at work you have to be an assertive manager and a tough, confident negotiator and at home you have to be loving and nurturing. I find myself getting confused. At work I compromise my time and focus because I would rather be working a half day and I am worrying about her. At home I try to manage my daughter and my expectations are a little unrealistic - 'What are you doing?! You are supposed to be tidying your room!' - often ending in tears. (daughter 9years)

Excuse the frankness but it is my low sex-drive! I think it might be hormonal - I am still breastfeeding, and I understand that that can sometimes be one of the down-sides. I don't think it would have made a difference if I had been warned about the possibility. I think I still would have chosen to breastfeed. But it does add another complication to parenting life - especially when our "together time" as a couple is already affected by tiredness and the general challenges of two toddlers. It helps to have an understanding partner, and to set time aside for sex. But it might be one of those things that we just have to weather in these amazing, demanding, miraculous, overwhelming, wonderful first few years! (Twins 22 months)

Just how hard it is to do this ordinary thing. I know I’m bright and up until I had my baby I’d always chosen to do things I was good at – I guess I got to feeling a bit superior. Becoming a mother was a healthy blow to my nacissism. Though millions had done it before me I really struggled.

One day when my son was nearly four I suddenly realised just how much I’d grown from becoming his mom. That the experience had been good for me as a person, not just because I had gained this wonderful little person in my life. Up until then I think I’d just been coping with all the changes and often felt like my life had been turned upside down. However much I loved him this was a reality that I did not necessarily relish and that I felt quite alone with. The changes weren’t as big for my husband and I think he liked being a father more, right from the start (Son age 4).

What do you wish you’d been told?

I guess the thing I wish I'd been told is how time is no longer one's own!
(Two sons 4 and 1 years)

How pregnancy would affect my brain – and for how long. Two years after the baby it’s only coming back into it’s own and is still not quite the same. It’s like you’ve loaned your car to someone. It comes back and somehow it’s just not the same, just doesn’t work as well. My brain got kinda sluggish. I disinvested from pretty much everything intellectually. And boy did I struggle with short-term memory. I found this quite alarming. I guess knowing wouldn’t have changed it, but I did feel better later when I discovered that I wasn’t the only one who went through this. One women told me that part of the brain comes out with the placenta. If feels that way some days. (son 18 months)

I wish I’d have known the name of a really good breastfeeding consultant (whom I did find later) and got help sooner and more help. No matter how much you feel you need to do this on your own, you also entitled to as much help and the kind of help you need. Trust your instincts to tell you whether you’ve found the right help for you or not.
(Son 18 months)

You will never have enough time ever again! (Well maybe once she has left home... ) There is no good way to deal with this other than to draw big time-boundaries around your work and what you are prepared to do, sacrifice sleep (at the risk of turning into a short-tempered monster), buy help with cleaning and housework, and connect with a community that you can (and must) rely on to help take care of your child (school friends with moms who don't work, friends that work a half day, grandparents who can take your child for a holiday etc.). This is your biggest challenge as a parent because children do not understand the concept of quality time - you either have time for them or not! (Daughter 9years)

Trust your own instincts first and foremost. Ask all the questions you want to ask, don’t worry about seeming silly or naïve. Listen to advice but as far as looking after your baby goes you’re the one in charge. Throw away any books or magazines that leave you feeling guilty and worried. Avoid people who do the same.
(Son 18 months)

Don’t be scared to give up any pre-baby ideas that you may have been very invested in. You’re a parent now and you will see things differently. Forgive yourself your pre-parent judgements. You need to find out, sometimes by trial and error, what works for you and this particular little person. Don’t bully yourself by trying to stick to anyone’s expectations, even your own. (son 2 years)

If you’re still pregnant or not pregnant yet, make the most of the time you have. I don’t mean rushing round getting the nursery perfect and trying to have every single thing you need. When it comes to equipment and supplies you learn by experience what suits you and your baby. You can send someone out for it or order over the phone or internet. When baby is a little bigger a short shopping trip feels like a good outing. What I mean is doing what’s really important, that you won’t be able to do (reading, movies, lectures, dinner, shows – you’ll have your own list). Do things that nurture you and your relationship. Talk to your partner. Don’t kid yourself that you’ll have time after baby, the first few months you just don’t. Sometimes it feels like you never have time again. (Son 18 months)

Let people know what you need, that goes for your parents, in-laws and husband especially. You and your baby are too important to worry about silly interpersonal politics and personal pride. Someone advised me to tell people that if they came to visit after the baby they needed to bring a meal – this is a great idea. Breastfeeding makes you very hungry (son 2 years)

If you become parents you have to change your lives. It is not fair to expect a little one to fit into exotic holiday plans, big careers, or a flashy two-seater cabriolet. So embrace the change - rethink your future and your values and raise a secure, relaxed and loving child. (Daughter 9 years)

Prepare yourself for the possibility that everything about the birth and breastfeeding and baby might not go exactly as you want it. Having a baby is not like planning a wedding. Birth and breastfeeding are about life and death, things can get messy. Try to find medical professionals/midwives you trust. Know that you may have to trust them to help you decide to do things differently from what you planned for the good of your baby. At the same time if you can’t breastfeed or the birth doesn’t go great, or baby is ill, realise that it is a kind of loss for you and that you will be sad. Don’t let people bully you into denying those feelings. You may have to put them aside for a time while you cope, but don’t burry them. Be kind to yourself and if the sadness isn’t clearing up don’t be scared to get help. It’s the best thing I did for my baby, myself and my partner. You don’t need to stop breastfeeding to go on medication and there are alternatives like counselling. If you’ve been depressed before baby tell your gynae and speak to your partner. Set up a plan together of how you’d like to deal with postnatal depression if it comes. This way they’ll be able to help you if you do get depressed. (son 22 months)

It was helpful meeting with other moms once a week where we chatted about
our concerns. Particularly useful were those mothers who were not new to
the baby experience. (Three boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

Start as soon as possible to set up support systems with other moms/moms to be and friends/family who make you feel good about yourself, especially people who don’t work full time and have some time on their hands. If you’ve been a working girl like me you’re likely to find, that all your support systems are other working people. This is not so great when you need someone to help out or just be company when things are getting tough with baby in the day. You’ll also need help if and when you have to return to work yourself. If you can afford domestic help take a good look at your current arrangements. Try to find the right help before baby comes. (Boy 18 months)

I feel I could easily lurch into a full lecture on the subject, but since there is no time and certainly no energy for anything of the sort, my thoughts are: "Don't sweat the small stuff!": the house will never look the same again, the child will never look presentable and always have a dirty face/grubby hands; if you have time to shower that's a bonus, forget the hair etc, etc... that is especially in the beginning. Enjoy the good moments to the nth degree and try to gloss over the bad (like the sick days or the times you do something you'd never have believed you could as a parent, like leave rattex on the floor) And if you haven't had kids yet, or you do but they’re young: Never say "Never": I was the " my child will never watch TV and especially not Telly Tubbies! " kind of pre-parent. Guess who rushed out and bought a Tellly Tubby video as soon as she realised that it gave her half an hour off (in fact it was the most romantic theme tune we knew in the early days!) (sons 4 years and 1 years)

I often wished that I could have taken a degree course in parenting, but I have come to realise that every child is unique and the most important thing is knowing your child. This knowledge / relationship takes some years to develop. No doubt being a first time mother is a great experience and, despite what is said, there is much to learn and it is the hardest job I have known. Whilst we all aim to be perfect mothers with perfect families it is better to take this kind of pressure off. Not easy in a world where expectations are so demanding. My advice is to listen to your instincts, and always stick by your child. No matter what the experts say, no one knows your child as well as yourself. Guilt can also be very destructive: in every circumstance, no matter what, you do the best for your child; accept that this is sufficient! Always remember that no one can love your child, warts and all, as much as you do. (boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

Schedule time together as a couple. And schedule time for sex, as unsexy as that may seem! (twin girls age 2)

I am a full time mother of three boys and there are many moments that I can recall where I felt that I was not coping! That I would rather be a career woman where emotional attachments are minimal, and your work can be measured and appraised using specific diameters. Not so for motherhood. I do find that now the boys are getting older, I can see a lot of ground has been covered: they feel secure in their home, they are acknowledging the difference between right and wrong and they are fully aware of how much they are loved. My children are perfect at being what they should be- kids and themselves.

I was told! "This too will pass". It's just hard to feel that way when you're sleep deprived. I cannot believe what an emotional rollercoaster this journey to motherhood has been for me. I am quite introverted and struggled with the 24 hour a day contact. With the pressure of getting through everything that needed doing and never a minute seemed free. I went to a birthday party the other day and for the first time my son didn't hang around my skirts half the time. I felt so redundant! Yet there were times it felt like he needed me like an extension of his right arm. That we'd never get here. One of these days I'll be dropping him off instead of staying. Then he'll be borrowing the car. I read somewhere that motherhood is an exercise in being left. You go from this mindblowing dependency to them moving to another continent. Now the intensity of the toddler years are over I can see a new kind of relationship growing though. Talking about stuff and doing stuff togehter. I'm looking forward to watching him grow. (Son age 5)

The Beginning

2008-03-09T14:36:00.000-07:00

Parenting requires no formal qualification, but may be the hardest job you’ll ever do - harder than you can anticipate, yet at times magical.

Unfortunately we tend to be sold on the magic. Things change in radical but predictable ways, but because we’re not prepared we’re thrown.

Following the birth new moms enter a kind of “necessary madness” that Donald Winnicott called “primary maternal preoccupation”. It can be difficult to do much or think about anything other than baby. Babies in turn need at least one person to take an ongoing emotional interest in them – someone “holding” them, not only physically, but emotionally. Together with the practical care, this is enormously demanding. New moms need to be cared for and “held” themselves. Ideally as mom holds the newborn, dad “holds” the mom-baby pair. This is an image to keep in mind, as it is normal for new dads to feel a little left out, and even jealous of mom and baby. Becoming parents also brings up emotions from both parents own childhoods. The emotional adjustment and sleep deprivation can make the increased chores seem insurmountable. Dad’s have the hard job of helping without intruding or taking over, while often shouldering more financial responsibility. It helps enormously if they can sometimes just listen and try to understand without problem solving. Moms shouldn’t assume that because dad’s may be less vocal in expressing their feelings, they don’t have any. Let them help and bond with baby and remember they are also still learning

The main parenting task at this time is for you both form a relationship with your baby, through physical care, play and bonding. For some this is instant. For others it takes time. Diligent, caring parents understandably worry when things don’t go perfectly. Try to remember that what is required is not perfection, but “good enough” parenting. Donald Winnicott, a paediatrician who became a famous child therapist and theorist, coined this term and it’s worth holding on to. We try to “fail” in manageable ways, and our children learn to cope with the world and move to independence. We cannot shield them from everything and each baby comes with their own genetic endowment. We have a vital role to play, but are not entirely in control.

Supporting each other is vital too. Babies don’t fix bad relationships.
They don’t destroy solid ones either - but can strain them.
· Before the birth try to spend good time together. You won’t have the same kind of time again.
· Talk, take a couple course or read a book together.
· Do little things you did when first in love. Like you did then, notice and do things that will make your partner feel special and loved now.
· Talk to as many new parents as you can, read, go to antenatal classes and talks. Then share your thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes.
· As parents try to find a few hours a week for the two of you and do a few of those special little things for each other if you can.
· Prioritise the new family. The first two years go so quickly almost everything else can wait.
This article (in slightly shorter format) was originally published in the Expectant Mother/Father’s Guide a great reasource mag that comes out each year and lists hospitals, midwives, clinics and other baby related resources. It is avaiable at most South African retail outlets.

Welcome to the journey

2008-03-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Having a baby is a transition, at once incredibly ordinary and mind blowingly special. More than billions of babies have been born (or adopted!), but this in no way detracts from the enormity of this moment for each new parent. Becoming a parent is like being born or dying - the fact that gadzillions have done it before you just doesn't make it ordinary.

Often it seems difficult to hold on simultaneously to the wonder, joy and enormity of it, as well as the difficulty. I don't think the commercial machine with it's soft focus baby ad's and smiling moms selling washing powder make it any easier - far from. Maybe this blog is in some sense a protest against the colonisation of parenthood by commercial objectives.

BP (For South Africans that's "Before Parenthood" not "Before Polokwane") working as an educational psychologist in private practice and an NGO clinic I saw so many young families facing divorce, not to mention all the single moms, and odd single dads. I began to feel that the transition to parenthood was particularly stressful for couples. Prompted by this and the idea that we would be headed down this road soon, I began reading. Research dating as far back as the 50's, and oft repeated, showed that couples experience the transition to parenthood as a crisis time for the relationship. Strain is normal during the first two years after the birth, and the child rearing years are hardest on a relationship. Surely if people knew and expected this, they'd cope better. I read work that was being done with new parents in the states and UK and shared a lot of it with my long suffering life partner before this big event. When we had our own son I really felt prompted to share some of what we'd learnt from this and what had helped other parents I'd worked with.

I started Becoming Parents Staying Partners to offers talks, workshops and reading material to help new and expecting parents be more prepared for the impact of becoming a parent on them and their relationships.

Because couples often contacted me when they were already knee deep in the challenges of parenting small children, I put together What Happened to “Us”? - similar support for couples coping with parenting young children.

I hoped to do more preventative work through brief, but intensive experiential workshops. But the truth is I'm not a marketer. I like to do the work that comes to me. I've found that the format of short talks and more intensive sessions with those individual couples who wanted them, is what came. And this is where the programme has moved.

Post parenthood (PP), and (finally) moving from the keyhole view of dial up into the sunlight of broadband, I've realised (a little later than most) the wonders of the web. I've found that on line forums are really one of the most accessible ways of sharing ideas and getting support. The new village, that has the huge advantage of being accessible in that period of insomnia between getting up to a fevery child at 3am and dropping off for a quick hour of sleep at 3:30 before your melodious 4:3o morning wake up ("Mmmmmommy it's day time {prying open of parental eyelid} I NEEEEED my cereal!). So I got inspired to put the course material out on the web.

When I googled "becoming parents" I realised that material on the topic has burgeoned in the two or three years since starting the programme. I almost abandonned this blog! Still Becoming Parents was the product of a wish to share and grow a body of ideas, resources and strategies that prove useful on this journey and create spaces for thinking, resolving and growing. I hope it will grow to that, be a little link in the web.

As all the course content is not my own, I need to do some work on permissions from authors etc. but plan to post slowly as life allows, both the course content and new thoughts.

In the interim I have provided links to a lot of the original sources below as well as other on line parenting resources. Just page down to view these.