Sound research shows that couple relationships change following the birth of a baby. Because couples are not prepared for these normal, but challenging changes, they often feel that the upheaval means their relationship or their partner is "not ok".
There are definitely times when divorce is the only option for couples, especially where there are issues of abuse. Sometimes one partner opts to leave and the other is left with little choice. Many single parents are doing a phenomenal job. For them the challenge is ensuring that they have enough support as they cope with the demands.
However sometimes it seemed to me couples confused the upheaval of adjusting to parenting with irreconcilable differences in their marriage - a feeling echoed by other couple therapists.
Babies do not break up good couple relationships, but parenthood is a big adjustment and can strain the couple. It is equally true that a baby will seldom "fix" a relationship in trouble. However there is a lot that you as a couple can do. When you share a child the motivation to make things work is and should be much greater.
Either way if you are better prepared for the changes that baby might bring, you are in a better position to cope. Research shows that most couples experience more conflict and less satisfaction following the birth of a child. Yet many couples wrongly assume "it's only us". It is helpful to think of the times following the birth of your first child and while your children are under two as one where your relationship needs special care. Tolerance is needed from both sides, as you adjust to your roles as parents and cope with the emotional and practical demands of small children. (See post "On Ghosts and Grannies")
The couple relationship ultimately sets the tone for the new family. A good relationship between the couple supports each of you in parenting and also gives your children an experience of a relationship that works. Last but not least this relationship will hopefully outlast the child rearing years, and day by day impacts each of you as individuals. Work in this area is never wasted.
If you are still expecting this is the time to really work on your bond. No matter how busy you are, it's hard to conceptualise how much less time you have once baby comes. That is part of the challenge.
The material published on this blog under
"Becoming Parents Staying Partners"is taken from couple workshops and work with individual couples.
Marriage Moments is a free online programme with "lessons" and exercises to strengthen your relationship prior to the birth of your baby. It draws on some of the same research as the original "Becoming Parents" programme.
The site is beautifully set out, and includes video inserts.
Input is structured around the virtues of
friendship,
generosity,
fairness and
loyalty
There is also a section on the arrival of the baby and for couples who's relationship is in trouble and a good resource list.
Worth reading pre or post baby even if you don't do all the exercises.
To access the programme go to
"Resource Couples: Marriage Moments"
in the USEFUL LINKS section at the bottom of the page.
For those who like to read also take a look at the articles by Phillip and Carolyn Cowan, who have done extensive research in this area (listed under Articles in the USEFUL LINKS below) and Resoure Couples links.
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