On Becoming a Mother

Here are some things "ordinary" moms said about motherhood.

What surprised you most about becoming a mother?

About three months pregnant, still nauseous, cooking dinner for my in-laws, I suddenly realised that this was really for keeps now. There was no getting out of this relationship. It wasn’t that I was unhappy, quite the opposite, in fact I’d never really considered getting out. It was just that realisation of permanence, of having to make it for the long haul. At about 7 months, noticing how I’d aged in the mirror, I realised I’d soon be mother to a son. I had such a clear picture in my mind’s eye of say 18 years on and seeing him in the mirror standing there behind me, taller than me. I realised I was never going to be alone in the world again – it was a good and a bad feeling all at once. (Son age 2 years)

When my first child was born I remember feeling particularly blessed, and this
feeling was repeated with the births of both the others. I generally coped well with the day to day care of my new baby as I had much practice from younger siblings. I recall some other unexpected feelings that were particular to the arrival of my first, these being: - a new kind of exhaustion - hands full all the time; not able to do the things I needed/wanted to do as and when I wished - unsure of how to discipline him; so many theories, so much contradiction! - resentfulness at times toward my husband; his life continued pretty much the same for him whilst mine became a juggling act (and remains so, but I am now a better juggler) - great anxiety when my baby was ill (three boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

I was totally surprised by how much other people seemed to genuinely care about my baby. A kind of warm attention and concern I’d never anticipated, that spilled over to me. He forced me to realise my connection to people around me in a way I hadn’t before. (son 22 months)

The immediate emotional connection. I didn't expect to become 'maternal' - it doesn't last much beyond the helpless baby stage, and doesn't necessarily extend to children other than your own, but that hormonal motherly response is quite a rush. It means you get very anxious and protective and often tearful and overwhelmed and it can put strain on partnerships because the 'mother lion' feeling often excludes dads.
Luckily my partner was studying at the time so he was happy to be excluded a bit
and then he was extremely patient about stepping in to save me from myself
when he needed to. (daughter 9years)

I was most surprised by the overwhelming feeling of protectiveness I felt towards my babies. I was so nervous when we first drove them home from the hospital! I couldn't bear to watch the news for ages! I kept having all kinds of horrible thoughts of terrible things that might happen to them. It has definitely improved with time, although that fundamental protectiveness is still there.
I was also surprised by the effect having children can have on your relationship with your partner. The tiredness, in particular wreaks havoc with "together time"
(twins age 2)

Breastfeeding - how hard it was at first and how much it’s about survival. For the baby feeding is life and death and when you can’t get it right together there is all the intensity of that. A kind of struggle – nothing like the fluffy white cloud picture I imagined. Thanks to the midwife who eventually helped us get it right! (Son age 18 months)

How hard it is to breastfeed. I expected some lovely spiritual experience and got “ow!” Once we eventually got it completely right after about 10 weeks, things were better but it caused many tears. (daughter 9 years)

Identity confusion! In my case, I did not expect to become a mother and I suddenly had to come to terms with a whole new role, a new perspective on the world, and new career goals. I still don't think I have recovered my equilibrium completely. The good thing is that you get a more realistic perspective. My partner and I know that we would probably end up as a batty old couple if it wasn't for our kid making us realise what is important and what is just not. The bad thing as a working woman is that at work you have to be an assertive manager and a tough, confident negotiator and at home you have to be loving and nurturing. I find myself getting confused. At work I compromise my time and focus because I would rather be working a half day and I am worrying about her. At home I try to manage my daughter and my expectations are a little unrealistic - 'What are you doing?! You are supposed to be tidying your room!' - often ending in tears. (daughter 9years)

Excuse the frankness but it is my low sex-drive! I think it might be hormonal - I am still breastfeeding, and I understand that that can sometimes be one of the down-sides. I don't think it would have made a difference if I had been warned about the possibility. I think I still would have chosen to breastfeed. But it does add another complication to parenting life - especially when our "together time" as a couple is already affected by tiredness and the general challenges of two toddlers. It helps to have an understanding partner, and to set time aside for sex. But it might be one of those things that we just have to weather in these amazing, demanding, miraculous, overwhelming, wonderful first few years! (Twins 22 months)

Just how hard it is to do this ordinary thing. I know I’m bright and up until I had my baby I’d always chosen to do things I was good at – I guess I got to feeling a bit superior. Becoming a mother was a healthy blow to my nacissism. Though millions had done it before me I really struggled.

One day when my son was nearly four I suddenly realised just how much I’d grown from becoming his mom. That the experience had been good for me as a person, not just because I had gained this wonderful little person in my life. Up until then I think I’d just been coping with all the changes and often felt like my life had been turned upside down. However much I loved him this was a reality that I did not necessarily relish and that I felt quite alone with. The changes weren’t as big for my husband and I think he liked being a father more, right from the start (Son age 4).

What do you wish you’d been told?

I guess the thing I wish I'd been told is how time is no longer one's own!
(Two sons 4 and 1 years)

How pregnancy would affect my brain – and for how long. Two years after the baby it’s only coming back into it’s own and is still not quite the same. It’s like you’ve loaned your car to someone. It comes back and somehow it’s just not the same, just doesn’t work as well. My brain got kinda sluggish. I disinvested from pretty much everything intellectually. And boy did I struggle with short-term memory. I found this quite alarming. I guess knowing wouldn’t have changed it, but I did feel better later when I discovered that I wasn’t the only one who went through this. One women told me that part of the brain comes out with the placenta. If feels that way some days. (son 18 months)

I wish I’d have known the name of a really good breastfeeding consultant (whom I did find later) and got help sooner and more help. No matter how much you feel you need to do this on your own, you also entitled to as much help and the kind of help you need. Trust your instincts to tell you whether you’ve found the right help for you or not.
(Son 18 months)

You will never have enough time ever again! (Well maybe once she has left home... ) There is no good way to deal with this other than to draw big time-boundaries around your work and what you are prepared to do, sacrifice sleep (at the risk of turning into a short-tempered monster), buy help with cleaning and housework, and connect with a community that you can (and must) rely on to help take care of your child (school friends with moms who don't work, friends that work a half day, grandparents who can take your child for a holiday etc.). This is your biggest challenge as a parent because children do not understand the concept of quality time - you either have time for them or not! (Daughter 9years)

Trust your own instincts first and foremost. Ask all the questions you want to ask, don’t worry about seeming silly or naïve. Listen to advice but as far as looking after your baby goes you’re the one in charge. Throw away any books or magazines that leave you feeling guilty and worried. Avoid people who do the same.
(Son 18 months)

Don’t be scared to give up any pre-baby ideas that you may have been very invested in. You’re a parent now and you will see things differently. Forgive yourself your pre-parent judgements. You need to find out, sometimes by trial and error, what works for you and this particular little person. Don’t bully yourself by trying to stick to anyone’s expectations, even your own. (son 2 years)

If you’re still pregnant or not pregnant yet, make the most of the time you have. I don’t mean rushing round getting the nursery perfect and trying to have every single thing you need. When it comes to equipment and supplies you learn by experience what suits you and your baby. You can send someone out for it or order over the phone or internet. When baby is a little bigger a short shopping trip feels like a good outing. What I mean is doing what’s really important, that you won’t be able to do (reading, movies, lectures, dinner, shows – you’ll have your own list). Do things that nurture you and your relationship. Talk to your partner. Don’t kid yourself that you’ll have time after baby, the first few months you just don’t. Sometimes it feels like you never have time again. (Son 18 months)

Let people know what you need, that goes for your parents, in-laws and husband especially. You and your baby are too important to worry about silly interpersonal politics and personal pride. Someone advised me to tell people that if they came to visit after the baby they needed to bring a meal – this is a great idea. Breastfeeding makes you very hungry (son 2 years)

If you become parents you have to change your lives. It is not fair to expect a little one to fit into exotic holiday plans, big careers, or a flashy two-seater cabriolet. So embrace the change - rethink your future and your values and raise a secure, relaxed and loving child. (Daughter 9 years)

Prepare yourself for the possibility that everything about the birth and breastfeeding and baby might not go exactly as you want it. Having a baby is not like planning a wedding. Birth and breastfeeding are about life and death, things can get messy. Try to find medical professionals/midwives you trust. Know that you may have to trust them to help you decide to do things differently from what you planned for the good of your baby. At the same time if you can’t breastfeed or the birth doesn’t go great, or baby is ill, realise that it is a kind of loss for you and that you will be sad. Don’t let people bully you into denying those feelings. You may have to put them aside for a time while you cope, but don’t burry them. Be kind to yourself and if the sadness isn’t clearing up don’t be scared to get help. It’s the best thing I did for my baby, myself and my partner. You don’t need to stop breastfeeding to go on medication and there are alternatives like counselling. If you’ve been depressed before baby tell your gynae and speak to your partner. Set up a plan together of how you’d like to deal with postnatal depression if it comes. This way they’ll be able to help you if you do get depressed. (son 22 months)

It was helpful meeting with other moms once a week where we chatted about
our concerns. Particularly useful were those mothers who were not new to
the baby experience. (Three boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

Start as soon as possible to set up support systems with other moms/moms to be and friends/family who make you feel good about yourself, especially people who don’t work full time and have some time on their hands. If you’ve been a working girl like me you’re likely to find, that all your support systems are other working people. This is not so great when you need someone to help out or just be company when things are getting tough with baby in the day. You’ll also need help if and when you have to return to work yourself. If you can afford domestic help take a good look at your current arrangements. Try to find the right help before baby comes. (Boy 18 months)

I feel I could easily lurch into a full lecture on the subject, but since there is no time and certainly no energy for anything of the sort, my thoughts are: "Don't sweat the small stuff!": the house will never look the same again, the child will never look presentable and always have a dirty face/grubby hands; if you have time to shower that's a bonus, forget the hair etc, etc... that is especially in the beginning. Enjoy the good moments to the nth degree and try to gloss over the bad (like the sick days or the times you do something you'd never have believed you could as a parent, like leave rattex on the floor) And if you haven't had kids yet, or you do but they’re young: Never say "Never": I was the " my child will never watch TV and especially not Telly Tubbies! " kind of pre-parent. Guess who rushed out and bought a Tellly Tubby video as soon as she realised that it gave her half an hour off (in fact it was the most romantic theme tune we knew in the early days!) (sons 4 years and 1 years)

I often wished that I could have taken a degree course in parenting, but I have come to realise that every child is unique and the most important thing is knowing your child. This knowledge / relationship takes some years to develop. No doubt being a first time mother is a great experience and, despite what is said, there is much to learn and it is the hardest job I have known. Whilst we all aim to be perfect mothers with perfect families it is better to take this kind of pressure off. Not easy in a world where expectations are so demanding. My advice is to listen to your instincts, and always stick by your child. No matter what the experts say, no one knows your child as well as yourself. Guilt can also be very destructive: in every circumstance, no matter what, you do the best for your child; accept that this is sufficient! Always remember that no one can love your child, warts and all, as much as you do. (boys aged 7, 9 and 11 years)

Schedule time together as a couple. And schedule time for sex, as unsexy as that may seem! (twin girls age 2)

I am a full time mother of three boys and there are many moments that I can recall where I felt that I was not coping! That I would rather be a career woman where emotional attachments are minimal, and your work can be measured and appraised using specific diameters. Not so for motherhood. I do find that now the boys are getting older, I can see a lot of ground has been covered: they feel secure in their home, they are acknowledging the difference between right and wrong and they are fully aware of how much they are loved. My children are perfect at being what they should be- kids and themselves.


I was told! "This too will pass". It's just hard to feel that way when you're sleep deprived. I cannot believe what an emotional rollercoaster this journey to motherhood has been for me. I am quite introverted and struggled with the 24 hour a day contact. With the pressure of getting through everything that needed doing and never a minute seemed free. I went to a birthday party the other day and for the first time my son didn't hang around my skirts half the time. I felt so redundant! Yet there were times it felt like he needed me like an extension of his right arm. That we'd never get here. One of these days I'll be dropping him off instead of staying. Then he'll be borrowing the car. I read somewhere that motherhood is an exercise in being left. You go from this mindblowing dependency to them moving to another continent. Now the intensity of the toddler years are over I can see a new kind of relationship growing though. Talking about stuff and doing stuff togehter. I'm looking forward to watching him grow. (Son age 5)