The Beginning

Parenting requires no formal qualification, but may be the hardest job you’ll ever do - harder than you can anticipate, yet at times magical.

Unfortunately we tend to be sold on the magic. Things change in radical but predictable ways, but because we’re not prepared we’re thrown.

Following the birth new moms enter a kind of “necessary madness” that Donald Winnicott called “primary maternal preoccupation”. It can be difficult to do much or think about anything other than baby. Babies in turn need at least one person to take an ongoing emotional interest in them – someone “holding” them, not only physically, but emotionally. Together with the practical care, this is enormously demanding. New moms need to be cared for and “held” themselves. Ideally as mom holds the newborn, dad “holds” the mom-baby pair. This is an image to keep in mind, as it is normal for new dads to feel a little left out, and even jealous of mom and baby. Becoming parents also brings up emotions from both parents own childhoods. The emotional adjustment and sleep deprivation can make the increased chores seem insurmountable. Dad’s have the hard job of helping without intruding or taking over, while often shouldering more financial responsibility. It helps enormously if they can sometimes just listen and try to understand without problem solving. Moms shouldn’t assume that because dad’s may be less vocal in expressing their feelings, they don’t have any. Let them help and bond with baby and remember they are also still learning

The main parenting task at this time is for you both form a relationship with your baby, through physical care, play and bonding. For some this is instant. For others it takes time. Diligent, caring parents understandably worry when things don’t go perfectly. Try to remember that what is required is not perfection, but “good enough” parenting. Donald Winnicott, a paediatrician who became a famous child therapist and theorist, coined this term and it’s worth holding on to. We try to “fail” in manageable ways, and our children learn to cope with the world and move to independence. We cannot shield them from everything and each baby comes with their own genetic endowment. We have a vital role to play, but are not entirely in control.


Supporting each other is vital too. Babies don’t fix bad relationships.
They don’t destroy solid ones either - but can strain them.
· Before the birth try to spend good time together. You won’t have the same kind of time again.
· Talk, take a couple course or read a book together.
· Do little things you did when first in love. Like you did then, notice and do things that will make your partner feel special and loved now.
· Talk to as many new parents as you can, read, go to antenatal classes and talks. Then share your thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes.
· As parents try to find a few hours a week for the two of you and do a few of those special little things for each other if you can.
· Prioritise the new family. The first two years go so quickly almost everything else can wait.
This article (in slightly shorter format) was originally published in the Expectant Mother/Father’s Guide a great reasource mag that comes out each year and lists hospitals, midwives, clinics and other baby related resources. It is avaiable at most South African retail outlets.