Becoming Parents-Staying Partners: 1 Intro

Becoming Parents Staying Partners is a body of thoughts and exercises for couples making the transition to parenthood. Originally a series of four workshops, the programme now runs as shorter talks and a more indepth working through of the programme with individual couples. By puplishing the material used here it is hoped it can be of use to more new parents.

A workshop is ideally a place where you can shop for what works for you, and do some work on (in this case) your relationship and yourself as person and parent. I hope you will take what supports and helps you and leave the rest asside. Feedback and comments are always welcome.

About holding babies

Due to it’s large head size, compared to most mamals, the human infant even at full term, is technically born prematurely. It cannot walk or even sit, nor can it hold on to it’s parent. It is entirely dependent on adult care. There is a lot of physical caring required. Yet most couples are far more prepared for the birth and early physical childcare than they are for the emotional impact of a baby.

Famous paediatrician and child psychotherapist Donald Winnicott pointed out the enormous task that mothers undertake in the early emotional care of a baby. He went so far as to say that there is no baby without a mother. Some women in fact do not experience the baby as separate from them in this early time and there is reason to believe that the baby also experiences a kind of merger. Recent work indicates that their is a neurological attunement that is happening between mother and baby’s right brains. The right brain being involved in non verbal and emotional aspects of thinking and communication. Baby care is an emotional task.

This seems to be borne out by studies that show how babies fail to thrive, and may even die, despite being well cared for physically, if there is not at least one reasonably consistent caregiver to whom they can attach emotionally.

Winnicott used the term “holding” to describe what the mother does. It’s a task that’s hugely absorbing initially, almost to the exclusion of all else. He talked about it as a kind of necessary madness he called “primary maternal preoccupation”. This begins in the pregnancy as the mother becomes more absorbed by the changes happening in her body.

Some cultures have special traditions to accommodate this period. Sometimes a woman’s own mother or a female relative will move in for a period to help. In some African traditions the mother is expected to do little other than remain in bed and feed the infant in the first month with family members cooking and taking care of the household, and ensuring the new mother is well fed herself. An older relative of ours, now 80, describes staying on in the nursing home for up to a month following the birth. In some Scandanavian countries parents are allowed long periods of maternity leave, and, wonderfully, compulsory paternity leave!

Winnicott felt that because of the physical attunement that happens during pregnancy the biological mother was the person most suited to the primary care of a baby. Of course this role can and sometimes has to be taken over by someone else, who need not be the biological mother, or even a woman. Essentially they “become” the mother to that infant. So I use the term “mother” with this understanding.

Good mothering does not mean that we need to care for the baby perfectly. In fact such a goal would in itself be damaging to both mother and baby. Rather the mother needs to make a “good enough” fit with the baby, and gradually decrease her vigilance and atunement as the baby grows. Slowly she allows reality to impinge on the baby, but in manageable doses. When the baby gets distressed, and all babies do, the mother tries to make some sense of that distress and respond helpfully, and so the baby’s distress is lessened. Sometimes the hardest part of this job is just coping with “not knowing” what is the matter and with all the mixed feelings that come up (desperate love for the baby, exasperation when it won’t stop crying, fear and worry about it),

He pointed out that mothers do not need to be taught how to do this. I am often humbled by the insightful way in which those extraordinary individuals known as “ordinary” mothers describe this process.

Depending on their own make up and experience mothers in this early stage find themselves struggling with the constant dependency of the new baby, feeling invaded, or alternatively struggling to separate and give up what has felt like a part of themselves - sometimes new mothers struggle with both lots of feelings. This is normal.

Mothers do need to feel supported and “held” themselves. This kind of holding might be provided by their own mother, or an older woman, by a good doctor or health care worker and by their partner - or ideally a combination of these. In fact Winnicott advocated strongly that everyone should lobby to protect mothers from anything that got between them and their babies, so that this relationship is given the best chance.

Not to say the job of supporting a mother is easy. The new mother will have a host of feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, sometimes very intense feelings. She needs help, but she also doesn’t need anyone to take over. Ideally she needs people who give practical support and have faith in her ability to become a good mother to her baby, even while she is full of uncertainty in starting this enormous task.

Winnicott saw the father or partner’s most important job in the very early days as the protection of the mother and child relationship. It can be said that ideally the father holds the mother-baby pair in the same way in which the mother holds the baby.

If you are parenting alone, try to find this support – this holding - where you can and if you cannot, be kind to yourself as you shoulder this important task.

Where parents remain together, the couple relationship serves a vital holding function for a mother initially. Later a good couple relationship supports both partners in their role as parents. The couple relationship also sets the tone for the new family. Research suggests that a good couple relationship goes a long way to enhance children’s adaptation. The Becoming Parents Staying Partners programme looks at that relationship, how to support it, and so free both partners to parent better and provide a happy climate for your children.

INSPIRATIONS FROM “BECOMING PARENTS: WHAT HAS TO CHANGE”
Part of the inspiration for the workshops came from the work of English psychotherapist couple Carolyn and Philip Cowan. They remembered how when their children were barely out of nappies, “we realised we were losing touch with our relationship as a couple. Although we entered parenthood enthusiastically we were totally unprepared for the stress we began to experience in our marriage. … As we tried to make sense of what had happened to us and to the relationships we were hearing about from friends , colleagues and families seeking therapy, we began to think of the period in which partners become parents as a particularly vulnerable time for the [relationship].” This relationship in turn impacts on parents’ earliest relationships with the child and in turn the child’s development.

As early as 1957 sociologists interviewing 57 new parent couples concluded that the transition constituted a crisis for a marriage and studies over subsequent decades replicate this. Yet we tend to picture the arrival of a first child as a time of unfettered growth and fulfilment.

In the 1980’s the Cowan’s (by then grandparents) followed a number of couples from three months prior to due date until the babies were 18 months old. They have subsequently done further work supporting and extending their findings. Their talk on Establishing Positive and Long Lasting Couple Relationships is easy reading and includes a summary of their findings about new parents.

These describe so well what I see working with new parents and what we ourselves experienced that I use them in the workshop to discuss this transition.

You may want to use the material as a springboard to talk to each other about these things. Reading to eachother and then chatting is a great way to do this. But find what works for you. If your partner is not a reader, share what you're reading about. Try to see your goal as trying to find out more about your partner’s thoughts, expectations and feelings and explaining yours to them. ]

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